The 2001 Football Season

An Explanation

     Well, the Boilers were a little down in 2001. And while most fans recognize that things naturally go in cycles in college football, some are searching for answers. And so, for those who feel they need one, GB.c provides an explanation.

     To truly understand 2001, you have to go all the way back to 1996. Jim Colletto had guided the Boilers to a 3-8 season, and Morgan Burke decided that it was time for a change. As a result, he launched Operation Termination of Indefinite Losing Legacy Existing in RossAde, or Operation T.I.L.L.E.R. for short.

     Morgan got the world-famous Purdue Engineering Department on the case. After several months in the lab, they constructed what might well be the perfect cyborg football coach. As cyborg football coaches were outlawed by the NCAA in 1958, the boys in the lab coated the T.I.L.L.E.R. with a believable human-like shell to make him look like "your average Joe". When complete, Morgan dubbed him "Joe Tiller".

     Morgan was still a bit uneasy, so he commanded "Joe Tiller" to lose its first game, to Toledo, no less ... that would surely throw off suspicion. "Joe Tiller" did as commanded; but then went on to win 9 of its next 11 games. That raised an eyebrow or two around the country.

     And the wheels almost fell completely off when this candid locker room picture of "Joe Tiller" made the papers.

     With nowhere else to turn, Morgan called in the Brush-A-Maniacs at Morgan pleaded, "Is there anything you guys can do to soothe this cyborg stuff?"

     GB.c came up with an electrifying mantra; perhaps you've heard of it ...

Who's the MAN?! "Joe Tiller's" the MAN!

     Gradually, the emphasis fell from the word 'man' and the air quotes came off of the "Joe Tiller". It became so ingrained in the average fan that the thought of "Joe Tiller" being a cyborg quickly subsided. "He's obviously a man," fans would reason, "or else why would those idiots be yelling that?"

     When the lowly Purdue Boilermakers earned a trip to the 2001 Rose Bowl, however, the cyborg talk started up again. Throwing a game or two wouldn't do it this time; Morgan knew that the 2001 season would have to be sacrificed. He brought "Joe Tiller" back to the lab for some reprogramming.

     Morgan's first thought was to go 0-11, as Jim Colletto (human) came within one game of in 1993. The boys shook their heads; "Joe Tiller" cannot be programmed to be anything but bowl-eligible. Morgan reluctantly settled on 6-5, but with a twist. Among the five losses would include one to IU and one to Notre Dame. Each, he reasoned, would almost count as more than just a loss ... and might even serve to help those bonehead coaches keep their jobs.

     And so it went. It wasn't easy for Morgan, but he did what he had to do. Now that the heat is off, you can look forward to seeing the "Joe Tiller" cranked back up to its top efficiency level ... as long as we just keep this cyborg business our little secret.

     Now back off, you big baby.